Hastings, Neb. — In a bold move, and in continuing with beverage-inspired movements sweeping the country, a grassroots body of concerned residents has begun meeting across the country as part of The Kool-Aid Party, which touts itself as a colorful and fruit-filled alternative to the blander, and oftentimes, sugarless Tea and Coffee parties.
Dubbed the Party of Cool, The Kool-Aid Party met for the first time this Saturday in homes across the country in groups of five or six.
“The Tea and Coffee parties are sugarless alternatives, bro,” said 19-year-old Mark Windsor. “We’re the real deal. The government and Lipton and Starbucks have gone too far.”
Party supporters typically met for about 10 minutes in some 2,500 residences to sip the sweet nectar of Kool-Aid and talk about their dismay for government spending gone wild.
The Kool-Aid Man, apparently equally disgruntled by wasteful government spending and the sudden upsurge of coffee and tea consumption, crashed through the dining room wall of one supporters’ home here in Hastings, screaming, “Oh yeah! Kool-Aid to the rescue!”
“Like, man, you know, I’ve always been about promoting having fun and drinking tasty beverages,” the Kool-Aid Man said as he brushed off chunks of brick from his blue jean shorts. “But, you know, like, this is about more than just promoting drinks at this point. The Kool-Aid Man has had enough of government intervention into my fans’ lives. It’s time to stand up and break walls and be cool to one another … you know what I mean, bro, like, governmentally?”
Sally Gunter, who owns the Hastings home with her husband John, said she was encouraged by Kool-Aid Man’s enthusiasm, but wondered how she was going to afford rebuilding her wall.
“I mean, my husband was laid off last Tuesday, so we’re kind of in a rut,” Gunter said. “I work at a local school here in town, but that’s only going to pay the immediate bills. That’s one reason why we wanted to get involved. The economy is in such bad shape; we felt like we needed to find our voice. But it gets pretty cold here in Hastings at night.”
Kool-Aid Man didn’t seem to have immediate answers for the Gunter family.
“Oh yeah! I can get them some of that free Kool-Aid nectar, but about the wall, oh man!” Kool-Aid Man said, as he scratched his glass handle in bewilderment. “The commercial producers always paid for the property damage.”